Let's Do Something Stupid... Weeeeeee!!!!!!!

I did not want to go to Rob's sisters's house last Saturday. Tammy and Katy live at the beach and I live in the forest, so you can guess that there is quite a lot of Garden State Parkway between us. Also, even though Rob woke up bright-eyed and bushy tailed, I had to go to work on a beautiful weekend morning. Ugh.

Rob headed down south and I headed into my works parking lot.

Sometime after noon, the following text messaging took place.

Me: Actually, I feel better now, thank you for asking. (Eds. note: He didn't.)
Rob: Feel better?
Rob: Love ga
Rob: Ya
Rob: I have a headache.
Rob: Come here after work.
Rob: We will go to Biggies (Eds. note: Clam Shack) in asbury park =D.
Me: I'm not gonna be able to leave here for a while. And by the time I do, and drive down the parkway, by the time I get there, you will have had enough and want to turn around and go home.

(At this point, he had already roped his sisters Tammy and Katy, Amanda, and Tom and Danielle Miller into going with him to buy my engagement ring, and Tammy had given him the idea to propose to me outside of the Stone Pony, where we met thirteen years ago at a Type O Negative concert. Peter Steele is looking down from heaven and is content.) Don't worry. I didn't know any of this at this point.

Rob: Just come. Pleeeeeeease.
Me: We will see. You will have to convince me.
Rob: I will buy you lots of clams.

(Now I'm just fucking with him. I had already decided that I had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, and even driving all the way down there just to drive all the way back was better than watching MST3K by myself. )

Me: Sweeten the deal.
Me: You're losing my interest....
Rob: I'll have my shirt off!
Me: That's nothing new.
Rob: I'll buy drinks too?
Me: I don't want you to buy me anything. Tantalize me! Dazzle me! Come up with the most amazing reason to get me down there. I'll give you one hour to brainstorm.

(Eds. note. I bet he wished I said that before he bought the ring.)

Rob: I love you. I just want to be around you.

(Cue AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWs)

Me: I was thinking more along the lines of building an effigy to me out of sand, or something, but okay.

Fast forward a few hours. After Tammy calling and hassling me, making sure I knew south from north (to the mountains, but that's another story) I arrived in Asbury Park. I parked my car and fished around for change for the meter. I didn't have any. All my quarters had gone to the parkway trolls, and ATMs don't spit out change. Rob runs up to me. I tell him we have to borrow money from Tammy & Katy. He shoved a quarter in the meter and pulled me towards the Stone Pony. A quarter bought me only fifteen minutes of rented parking space. I should have smelled what the Lascar was cooking.

Walking toward the Stone Pony I figured T & K were inside waiting for us. I wondered aloud to Rob that if I asked Security nicely, would they give me back the uber-gawth spiked dog collar they took from me all those years ago, citing it as a weapon. Rob kissed the top of my head, but clearly, didn't hear a word I had said as we walked past the entrance to the building. Two homeless people in hoodies were sitting on the curb. There were signs on the side of the building announcing upcoming bands. One of them was threatening to blow away. Someone had used a lot of tape to attach it, but not enough. As the corners blew towards me, I could make out the random letters "Ro" "Poo" and the letter "Y". We walked closer. The letters morphed into words: "Rob" "popping" and "YES". We stopped walking, and I shut my eyes and shook my head. This couldn't be what I hoped it was. This time, when I opened my eyes, the sign read:

 "Rob now popping the "QUESTION" featuring the band YES!!"

I closed my eyes again, and this time, my face was wet. I covered my face with my hands. Rob said "Watermelon, hatstand, uncle, jelly, stopwatch." Or maybe he didn't. Even though I rack my brain now, I still have no idea what he said, until he reached in his pocket and got down on one knee. Only then did I notice that the homeless people had taken off their hoods, and were actually Tammy and Katy, hiding in the shadows so I wouldn't suspect anything. Tammy had a video camera. Rob opened the box, and inside, was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I had ever seen. He slipped the ring on my finger, and I jumped on top of him and held him as tight as I could.

I don't think he ever actually asked me anything. I don't think I ever answered him with a yes.  None of which was necessary. Tammy and Katy were crying, which meant that something earth-shattering had happened, and I didn't just imagine it. His sisters clamored to hug me, and welcome me to the family. ...

Yeah. That's all the clarification I needed. Robert Lascar told me to marry him.

I mean, Robert Lascar asked me to marry him.

Nah.

He told me to marry him, and just like me, I have gone along with his plans. Whether they be outsmarting NJ transit personnel, lecturing transients about unwelcome residents (ducks, rabbits, turtles found in the park...)  getting ourselves into trouble, awkward proms, annoying the public, shaving one's face at a fancy restaurant, climbing into the tubes and making small friends in a Chuck E Cheese, causing a general raucous, driving too fast on a glacier, walking too slow in the snow, eliminating bugs from a cockroach motel, finding olives and lesbians, falling down the stairs, our mutual love of pissing off Steve, using the storage room as a bathroom when your sister is puking in the only available toilet, Kratos, "arentcha glad I'm wearing shoooooooes?", bad april fools jokes, making fun of my ferret, brunches the both of us would die for,  300 (button your shirt!), barefoot princess, "I'm gonna put you on the floor," your EZ bake oven that is powered by a lightbulb, seafood pancakes, SLUT DADDY, The Three Dumbs, "I won't remember anything after this...", Autopilot, Jeeple Steeple Creeple People, Brown Jerky, and a thousand other things he came up with to make me laugh.


Or the night at Eds when I told him I was no good at being a girl. I told him I honestly don't know how to dress myself, or wear makeup, or get strangers to buy me drinks, or be provocative in any way.

Rob put his arms around me and said: "Girl, I'm gonna put you in a dress."

I am now shopping for a wedding dress. Well played, Lascar.